Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Operation: Acknowledge Grief

Around Thanksgiving of 2013 my best friend was diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer.  She was 27 years old. She and her husband had just adopted their son in October.  Less than a year later (August 2014), my best friend died.

Dori is gone.  She's dancing with Jesus.  I have an excellent visual in my head because Dori had some very signature moves, but she's gone.

In a recent post I mentioned that my grief over D's death often sucker punches me.  I guess this is how I grieve.  In the last couple months of her life I acknowledged D wasn't going to beat cancer this time.  I wanted her to.  I prayed desperately that God would heal her like I know He could have.  But, ultimately, Jesus was ready to dance with D.  I will have to wait my turn. I'm ok with that. I can wait to see her again, and I am rejoicing that she is with our Heavenly Father and her earthly dad.

That doesn't mean I don't miss her though.  It's taken me over two months to begin writing through my grief because I'm sad.  I'm sad.  Life has gone on...it has to, but like I said before, grief sucker punches me.

I cry when good or exciting things happen because, after my husband D was the first person I called to share good news with.

Left hook.

I struggle in church because it feels wrong that D isn't sitting next to me.  That's her seat.  For over 3 years that was her seat.  I don't want anyone else to sit there.  It's D's spot.

Right cross.

I get frustrated easily because I'm no longer talking things out with her.  My sounding board is gone.  I can't vent or get a safe and blunt opinion.  Dori was able to talk me down when I was being unreasonable or irrational.  Apparently, that's more than I realized... ;/

Uppercut.

My heart breaks when my 4yo son asks if he's going to die from strep throat...and he's absolutely serious.  He asks if his cousin will die because he had a virus, and had to visit the ER.  He prays that God will take the cancer out of his own body when he has the sniffles.  In his mind, everyone dies when they get sick because Aunt D died when she got sick.

Sucker Punch.

I miss my best friend. I'm not angry. I'm just sad.  I'm grieving.

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